Feminist Advice Friday: Is there anything I can do to avoid an abusive, inequitable relationship?

A reader asks…

I’m a college student in my first serious relationship. I actually started reading your page because I was angry about how my dad treats my mom. I agree with you that leaving all of the housework to the woman is abusive. I guess I didn’t really understand how common it is. And now I realize this is the norm, not the exception to the rule. What I’m realizing is that we stop this pattern by disrupting it before it begins. How do I do that, though? I see a lot of women on your page say that the problems only began when they had children. Is there any way at all I can tell if my partner might be like the men in your posts? I love him and I want to be with him. I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life miserable and resentful. Is that possible?

My answer:

You’re on the right track already because you’re thinking about these issues. That’s going to make you more attuned to any emerging inequality well before it escalates out of control. I wrote a blog post about avoiding marring lazy men a while ago, and there may be some help for you there. But I think your question warrants a discussion of how men get to be the way they are.

When I was in my early twenties, the women all around me spent a lot of time talking about problematic men, just as they do now that I’m in my thirties. Back then, the problems centered around men who didn’t call, didn’t keep their word, didn’t find meaningful ways to show love. And yes, sometimes there were also men who were already not pulling their weight when it came to household labor.

Those men, when women married them, became the husbands who left to golf for the weekend while their partners did everything else. That’s because household chore inequality is not an accident. It doesn’t just randomly happen to otherwise good relationships. It is a product of a broken relationship—and specifically, of a man who believes his partners matter less than his own. Even if he’s doing dishes and cooking, the signs will be there.

But more typically, these relationships begin as inequitable relationships. It’s just that the woman doesn’t notice the inequity until it’s really out of control. Kids require a ton of work. Maintaining an apartment without kids doesn’t. If you’re doing 15 more minutes of housework a day than he is, it might not seem like a big deal. But it is a big deal when that figure gets multiplied by the messy realities of adult life with children.

So you need to notice the little things. Notice how he slides comfortably into his chair while you grab the last load of laundry. Nip these things in the bud now before they become normalized.

Look also for other signs that he just doesn’t value you, your needs, or your effort. Because with men like that, household labor issues are just the beginning. Everyone has a few things they’re not good at. Maybe he buys crappy gifts or has trouble being on time or whatever. If the overwhelming theme is that he can’t treat your needs as important, though, run.

Run now. No matter how much you love him, men like that do not change of their own free will, because they don’t usually get consequences. By giving him a consequence, you increase the odds that he’ll be a better partner for the next person.

Deep down, I think you know if your partner is the sort of man who is going to foist labor onto others. If you don’t, try asking him. Is he defensive? Then he’s more concerned with distraction and deflection than with reassurance and respecting your needs. If, by contrast, he wants to ensure you never do more than your fair share, then you just might have a keeper.

I publish #feministadvicefriday every Friday(ish) here and on Facebook. You can get early access to Feminist Advice Friday, as well as other content I don’t publish anywhere else, by subscribing for free to my Substack newsletter. You can submit your own question to zawn.villines@gmail.com, by messaging my Facebook page, or anonymously by using this site’s contact form.