Parenting as a Mom vs. Parenting as a Dad

I’ve spent the last several years writing about mom-shaming, mom guilt, and the unbelievable load of work and emotional labor we expect moms to bear. Inevitably, every time I post about the gendered experience of parenting, someone comes along to point out a dad who does it all, or a mom who does less than 50%.

These people are real. There’s nothing innate or inevitable about the gendered division of labor. Dads can and do raise their children full-time; some even live with female partners who trash the house and ignore the kids. But the experience of these parents who flout gender norms is still fundamentally different. That’s because of the radical disparity in expectations of moms and dads. A mom and dad can do the exact same thing. The dad gets praised while the mother gets judgment. A person can earnestly contemplate calling CPS on a mom for a behavior they would praise in a dad. The same actions have different meanings based on the gender of the person performing them. It’s a key driver of mom-guilt, and a key reason it’s so easy for dads to get away with doing very little.

When a mom takes a break from her kids for a night out, it’s always, “Who’s watching the kids?” No one thinks to ask dads this.

When a woman applies for a job, there’s a lingering question in many employers’ minds of whether she’ll have kids, and if she does, how they will interfere with her working life. No such assumption exists for men. And this bias exists in spite of evidence that working mothers are more productive than anyone else.

When dad spends any time at all with his kids, doing anything at all, he’s a hero. A mom is, at best, doing her job. And more typically, she’s subject to a million criticisms—for breastfeeding or not, for watching her kids too closely or not closely enough, for disciplining too much or too little, for how and whether she helps them with school, for what and when she feeds them.

Moms get shamed for feeding formula. Dads earn praise for “giving mom a break.”

If the house is dirty, it’s mom’s fault, even if dad is the one who trashed it.

A mom who gets up night after night with the baby is doing the bare minimum. A dad who does it is a great parent and partner—and the mom should probably feel ashamed for making him wake up so much.

Moms are responsible for researching all parenting decisions, and should be prepared to defend them. Anything that goes wrong will after all be her fault.

A mom who shows up late for her kid’s soccer practice is bad at time management. A dad is a great parent showing up for his kid.

A mom who misses a parent-teacher conference is neglectful and uncaring. A dad who does it is par for the course. And dads who do show up are heroes.

If dad shows up to an event with a kid who has mismatched clothes and matted hair, it’s mom’s fault. She should have known better than to trust him and should have dressed the kids herself. And good on him for trying!

A dad who leaves his kids several weeks each year for work trips is just supporting his family. A mom is a neglectful parent. A real mom could never do such a thing!

A mom who does anything at all, however small, that could endanger the fetus when pregnant is a monster, and potentially even the subject of criminal charges. A dad who encourages her to do these things, or who mistreats the mother (which is linked to bad outcomes in the baby) faces no such blame or liability.

Twenty percent of fathers have abandoned all of their children. Most will never even have to pay reasonable child support. A mother who abandons her children may face criminal charges.

In the typical heterosexual family, a father can enjoy time playing with his kids, confident that mom will clean up any mess they make. He can deviate from the routine knowing that mom will be there to pick up the pieces. And for him, worrying about homework and parent-teacher conferences and school applications and extracurriculars is just not reality. These are things he can completely ignore—all while refusing to credit his partner with doing them.

A dad who only plays with his kids is just parenting in a different way. A mother who only plays has neglected everything else, and is a terrible parent.

Dads enjoy the privilege of treating fatherhood as an option. It’s something they can check into and out of at will, confident someone else will step in. For mothers, there’s no escape, no credit, and often, no support.

In a patriarchal society, fatherhood is a hobby.

Motherhood functions more like a prison.