35 Compliments to Give Girls Other Than ‘You’re Pretty!’

Stop telling girls they’re pretty. I’ve written before about how it’s harmful, and a variety of studies suggest that when we spend time telling girls they’re pretty, we fail to give them more useful feedback that builds their self-esteem. As a result, boys spend their entire childhoods getting feedback on their strength and intelligence, while girls learn to become progressively more obsessed with something they can’t control that fades with time.

Even if you think it’s acceptable to periodically comment on a girl’s appearance, though, I think everyone can agree that girls need to hear more than just that they’re attractive. Yet in interacting with children, adults often default to appearance.

We can do better. And we can do better than “You’re so smart, too.” An emerging body of research suggests that complimenting kids for static traits actually destroys their self-esteem instead of building it. Kids who constantly hear that they’re smart are less likely to persist when learning gets difficult because they think the difficulty means they can’t do it. Instead, adults should consider praising kids for effort and for other things that are within their control. Not sure how to do that? It gets a lot easier with practice.

Here are 35 ways to compliment girls (and all children) without mentioning their appearance or praising traits they can’t control.

• You’re such a good storyteller!

• I’m proud of how kind you are.

• I love how you always stick up for bullied kids.

• It made me really proud when you talked to the kid no one else was talking to.

• No matter what you’re doing, you try really hard.

• You’re so curious. That’s how people get smart.

• I’m proud of you for telling the truth even when it was hard and scary.

• You’re so kind to your sibling.

• I love the way you help take care of our pets.

• You were scared and you did it anyway. I’m proud of your courage.

• I’m always excited to talk to you.

• I love how hard you practice at [sport/instrument/whatever]

• I love how you stand up for what’s right.

• I love how you are willing to try new things.

• You’re such a hard worker!

• You’re a great teammate.

• You did a great job talking to [person].

• It’s really scary getting a shot, but you did it anyway.

• You’re really great with animals.

• I love how good you are at coming up with new games.

• I’m proud of you for loving reading.

• I hope you’ll always ask lots of questions.

• I’m really proud that you’re kind to strangers.

• You were so patient today.

• You did an amazing job controlling your temper when [frustrating thing happened].

• You’re so good at making friends.

• You’re really funny.

• I love your creative stories.

• I know you’re going to change the world.

• I love it when I see you trying, even when it’s hard.

• You studied so hard, and I’m proud of that.

• Your effort really shows on this.

• I like how you keep trying even when it’s hard.

• I’m so impressed with your ability to try different strategies.

• You’re so persistent!

• I love your attention to detail in that [picture/painting/project].