Why I Use Gender-Neutral Language to Talk About Pregnancy, Periods, and Breastfeeding

A few years ago, many of my clients began using gender-neutral terms to refer to pregnancy, periods, and other stereotypically female states: pregnant person, person with periods, etc. I was initially skeptical. I worried about erasure, for one thing. I also thought it was important to highlight that the reason women so often get bad medical care for women’s issues is because they are women. Obstetrical abuse, for example, is rooted in the notion that women shouldn’t really get to control their bodies. So not calling pregnant people women seemed ludicrous to me.

And then I did some observing: I noticed that the only people getting angry about gender-neutral language were conservatives who had never before shown any concern for women’s rights. I was sold. Know better, do better, after all. I followed the editorial guidelines of my clients, and began using gender-neutral language myself. And that’s when the hate mail began pouring in. People—mostly men, mostly on the far right—were BIG MAD.

They claimed to care about women. But this deep care for women was causing them to read an article by a woman writer, become so incensed that they googled her, stalked her to her professional website, then sent her a threatening message. Some of these messages included death threats. Most included gendered slurs, and almost all insulted my intelligence. People who care about women don’t do this. People who cannot control their emotional impulses, who are aggressively committed to the oppression of trans and gender nonconforming folks, people who would gleefully do violence to certain women, absolutely do.

So I’m no longer responding to questions about gender-neutral language. When I get these messages, I delete them unread—or occasionally post them on my Facebook page for public mockery. If you’re contacting me to whine about calling a pregnant person a person, you’re wasting your breath. So instead, I’ll explain one final time why I’m using gender-neutral language.

The Facts Do Not Care About Your Feelings

It’s a familiar refrain in the hate-filled emails I get about gender-neutral language. The irony is that the people sending these messages are so hysterical, so emotionally out of control, that they’re googling and unloading on a stranger. Clearly the people having unmanageable emotions are those demanding that they should get to make up names, and pronouns, and identities for others.

Trans men can give birth. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like it. It remains true. Their legal gender may be male; you don’t get to override their doctors and the law and declare them women because you’re too simple-minded to deal with gender complexity.

Even if You Hate and Exclude Trans People, There are Still Non-Women Giving Birth

At its core, the gender-neutral language debate is really about hating trans people. Even if we accept that hatred (a ridiculous thing to do), even if we decide that random Internet strangers should get to decide the genders and pronouns of trans folks, we’re still left with a problem:

Non-women still give birth. Intersex people are relatively common. That’s not a social justice opinion. It’s biology. People with male genitals and female internal organs or chromosomes may give birth. Some people are even born with both male and female gonads. Most people are biologically male or female, but far from all. And for those on the intersex spectrum, seeking reproductive health care can be extraordinarily traumatic. We reduce the trauma by accepting that people with a range of gender identities and presentations give birth.

If you want to be biologically accurate, you must accept that non-women give birth. Anything less is just more far-right anti-science hysteria.

Gender-Neutral Language is Grammatically Correct

Pop quiz: What is a pregnant woman?

A human. A person. The terms pregnant woman and pregnant person are interchangeable—unless, of course, you deny that women are people, which many in the anti-trans movement tacitly do.

Calling pregnant people people is grammatically correct. It’s also a powerful reminder that they are people, which is something many medical providers seem to forget.

Gender-Neutral Language Ensures People Get Quality Care

When people who do not identify as women—whether because they are trans, nonbinary, intersex, or something else—see gendered language, it can deter them from seeking care. Members of these groups are already stigmatized and marginalized. They face all of the same abuses women do in our health system, plus more. Do you really want trans people to die because they cannot access affirming medical care? Do you really want an intersex person to have a postpartum hemorrhage because they feel too ashamed to go to their doctor? Is that really a better world for anyone?

If calling breastfeeding chestfeeding encourages more people to do it, I’m here for it, because I care about infant health.

We have a maternal mortality epidemic in this country. If calling pregnant people people helps more people access postpartum care, what possible reason could there be to not do it?

Your personal emotional attachment to a specific word, your desire to force people to use the language you want them to use, should not trump another person’s need to live.

I know What It’s Like When Other People Make Up an Identity for Me

My husband and I have different last names. Yet for the nearly 10 years we have been married, many people in our lives have absolutely insisted by addressing me as Mrs. HisLastName. That person doesn’t exist. These people are making up a name for me, and deciding they know better than me who I am and what I should be called. It’s enraging.

Think about how enraged you would be if someone insisted on telling you you’re wrong about your name—or if they persisted in calling you by a different pronoun than the one you use. Wouldn’t like it much, would you?

I believe in treating my fellow human being with respect. That means people’s desire to be called by their correct names, pronouns, and identities should always trump any theoretical or philosophical objection. So I’m not going to pretend that everyone who gives birth or has periods identifies as a woman just because doing so makes me feel good or makes the world comprehensible. Neither should you.

I Like Upsetting People Who Can’t Control Their Emotions

I write about issues that affect exponentially more people than gender-neutral language ever will: domestic violence, racism, police brutality, abortion. Yet none of these controversial and life-changing issues garner anything close to the attention that my use of the term “pregnant person” does. That’s because this isn’t really about justice, or erasure, or whatever. It’s about a small minority’s irrational emotional reaction to others’ identity. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to function in a world where another person’s pronoun can be so deeply upsetting to you.

The people who are so deeply invested in controlling others’ gender identity or expression want to harm people who do not fit their limited worldview. If I can convince them to instead waste their time having an Internet hissy fit with me, that’s a day well-spent.