It’s Not About Time Management: Why Making a List of Chores Won’t Improve Domestic Labor Inequity

Want to improve the balance of domestic labor in your house? There are plenty of therapists, life coaches, and other self-styled experts who will cheerfully tell you that you just need to sit down with your partner, make a master list of chores, and divide things up. Voila! Problem solved! Generations of sexism and internalized misogyny fixed with just a pen and paper. The proponents of this strategy seem to believe that men just need to learn that there are chores! If only they had this insight, everything would be just peachy.

It sounds too good to be true because it is. There’s one core, simple reason for this:

Domestic labor inequity is a relationship problem, not a logistical one. Men can see that their partners are working when they are not. They can see that food comes into the house, homework gets done, and magic fairies do not appear to be emptying the dishwasher. Men are choosing not to fairly participate in household labor because they value a few extra hours of free time more than they value their partner’s well-being or humanity.

Here’s why this strategy won’t work—and why it’s a distraction from the real issue.

Putting the Burden on the Woman

Chore lists assume that men don’t do their fair share of domestic labor because they don’t know how. Men, you see, have a unique mutation carried only on the y chromosome that makes them unable to see hungry children, dirty dishes, or bills. They are unable to hear whining, and unable to feel sticky counters. If only a woman just follows them around telling them how to take care of the house, everything will be ok. These lists saddle the woman with even more emotional labor: defining what needs to be done, fighting to convince the man, policing him to make sure he’s doing it.

And of course, as soon as she does all these things, she’s facing the paradox of domestic labor: just ask the man to do better and all will be fine, but if you ask him you’re a nag. Women face a double bind when it comes to domestic labor, and chore lists will not solve that bind.

The Gaslighting Storm

Chore lists provide an easy way for men to gaslight their partners about domestic labor because they treat the problem as one of organization rather than care. While reasonable people might have minor differences of opinion about how often to change the litter box or how to load the dishwasher, they do not have disagreements about whether these chores need to be done in the first place—and whether it’s fair for just one person to shoulder the entire burden. But put a chore list in front of your typical heterosexual couple and rest assured, it will become a tool for gaslighting. The man will only do the chores on the list, and only when told, and he will never, ever do more than his fair share—even if the woman has just given birth or gotten run over by a truck.

The Real Issue

Domestic labor inequity is an emotional problem. It can only happen when one partner is comfortable relaxing while the other works, when one partner thinks their free time is more valuable than their beloved’s mental health. No list will fix this. For some men, a preference for inequality is a sort of orientation, not an accident.