Feminist Advice Friday: When should we consider couples counseling?

A reader asks…

My husband and I have a variety of issues—disagreements about childrearing, the usual disputes over household labor, some baggage from childhood, probably pretty typical stuff. But as I become more feminist, I’m also realizing that a lot of these disputes are pretty serious. Like, why does my husband want to scream at our children to punish them, and why doesn’t he seem to care that this is really upsetting to me? Is he really incapable of seeing that I’m often doing household chores when he is relaxing (spoiler alert: no, because he’s fucking sleeping)?

Anyway, I know the sort of standard advice is couples counseling. I’ve seen you talk about the risks of couples counseling in a world that normalizes this sort of abuse, though, and I know from talking to friends that therapists often treat all needs as equal, like his need to not do anything is equal to my need to not have him do that. So when is couples counseling a good idea, and when is it something to forego? Also, if couples counseling is NOT a good idea, then what’s the alternative?

My answer:

I think you’ve hit upon one of the fundamental challenges of the stereotypical cisgender heterosexual marriage. Things can be bad enough to make your life miserable and give your children baggage, but may not feel bad enough to leave. And even if they do feel bad enough to leave, you’ll get little support for doing so because this stuff is incredibly normalized. Your friends and family may wonder what you think makes you so special, that you deserve a husband who does not buy his free time with your labor.

Couples counseling does not exist in a vacuum. Counselors bring their own baggage to the therapy office. And the norms of therapy pose significant difficulties for dealing with oppression and inequity in relationships.

All needs are NOT equal. Good therapists know this. There’s a dearth of good therapists. Therapy can help with household inequity, but it can also make it worse. It can even give your husband a weapon to wield against you-- “See? Even the therapist says you’re being unreasonable by asking me to do the dishes!”

So how do you know when counseling is worth it, and which counselor is a good fit? There are not easy answers here. I would consider couples counseling if:

• Your husband has shown an earnest commitment to changing things and understanding your perspective; therapy cannot force him to value your needs. It can only teach him to better understand and meet them.

• You want to be in this relationship. Too often, people treat therapy as the nuclear option—something to try only when they are miserable and everything else has failed.

• There is no physical abuse, and no serious verbal or emotional abuse.

• You do not fear your spouse, and do not have reason to believe he will become aggressive and violent over anything that happens in therapy.

• You do not plan to divorce your husband. If you already know you want a divorce, the time and money you spend on therapy could be better spent preparing to safely leave.

• You believe your husband loves you, and that there is real hope for your relationship to change.

• Your relationship has positive attributes. Does this man improve your life in meaningful ways? Or is he a drain on every aspect of your existence?

If you decide that couples counseling is for you, next you need to choose a therapist. Therapists are not interchangeable. Some are terrible at their jobs. Others hold values that are anathema to fixing relationship inequity. Some strategies for choosing the right therapist include:

• Seek out an explicitly feminist therapist.

• Choose a therapist who specializes in couples counseling. Supporting couples requires a unique skillset, and not all therapists can do it.

• Call ahead of time and ask the therapist if a) they have experience working on household inequity; and b) they believe it is a serious problem. A therapist who sees it as a trivial annoyance is unlikely to help.

• Ask the therapist to work with you to develop a treatment plan and identify signs of success. This lends structure to therapy that can save you from spending years talking about the same problem over and over.

What if couples counseling doesn’t work, or you don’t think your partner is sufficiently committed to the process? If that’s the case, then you have to ask yourself if you are willing to stay in this relationship if nothing changes.

I believe that everyone deserves happiness, love, and respect. If your relationship is draining these things from your life, then you need to leave. And certainly, if your husband is screaming at or otherwise harming your children, then you need to seriously consider leaving.

Leaving poses its own risks, but I want to emphasize to you that so many women I speak to are glad they left. In fact, I’ve never heard from a single one who regrets leaving. If all your husband is currently contributing to your family is a paycheck, know he can continue to do that in the form of child support.

What if you can’t leave? I’ve talked before about rolling the boulder up the hill, working to give each generation a chance at more freedom and a better life. If you’re trapped, for whatever reason, then your mandate is to do whatever you can to model to your children a better way, so they can have a chance at escaping a relationship like yours.

I’m sorry you’ve found yourself here, and I believe in your ability to find a way to get free.

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