Feminist Advice Friday: I left my husband. How do I heal and prepare myself for a healthier relationship?
A reader asks…
I left my husband over 2 years ago as he refused to do his share of the household chores and parenting, and was emotionally abusive. I am so much happier now but it has been hard getting over the anger, the resentment and just being so hurt that he didn’t care about me when I was depressed, completely burnt out, begging for his help and still refused. When I hear about happy marriages with spouses who do their fair share and even go above to do something kind for their wife it makes me sad and angry because I never experienced that. If I hear about situations similar to mine (and as you mentioned in one of your articles, there are many) I get anxiety attacks, sometimes rage. I speak to a counselor who says I am experiencing PTSD symptoms. I am not looking for a partner anytime in the near future but how do I heal so that if I do, one day meet someone I can have a healthy relationship?
My answer:
Congratulations! You have done something incredibly difficult—something many women never have the resources or self-esteem to do. You are strong and capable and I’m so proud of you.
I know it might feel strange to get affirmation from a stranger, but I’m offering it for a very specific reason: our culture offers no affirmation to women who leave bad spouses. We view marriage as the ultimate sign of success. Being single is not an achievement in this culture, even though it absolutely should be. As a result, there are no cultural rites of passage, no parties, no showers, no gifts. You enter into marriage with a ton of fanfare and attention. And then when you exit it—a much more difficult undertaking, one which demands much more support—there’s nothing. To me, it would make a lot more sense to shower people with presents and love after a divorce, at a time when they really need it.
But what is and what ought be are often different. Knowing things should be different won’t necessarily make them better for you. I do, however, think it’s important to frame some of the reasons you might be feeling such a sense of restlessness after your divorce. You deserved to be celebrated for this and that didn’t happen.
Beyond this, there are a couple of widely held cultural assumptions that I believe are contributing to your suffering:
People should be punished for mistreating others, and men who are unkind to their wives will eventually regret it. Oh, how I wish that were true. It is true that marriage is better for men than women, and that statistically, men’s lives do get worse after divorce. That doesn’t mean you’ll ever know that your ex is doing worse. And more importantly, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the statistics will apply to you. Maybe he’ll be happier, too. But friend, you didn’t leave him to punish him, to make him realize you deserved better, or to make him suffer. You left him so you could get free. You are free. You are on the other side. You’ve made it to the next chapter of your life. You can write whatever you want for that chapter. You get to become fully you.
People do not always get the relationships they deserve. Every time I post about emotional abuse, household chore inequity, and similar topics, I get a few stragglers popping on my page to tell me that their man wouldn’t behave that way because they are just so special. We have this ridiculous notion that people get the relationships they deserve. Surely, the thinking goes, if you’re beautiful and smart and good and worthy, you’ll spend your life with someone who honors and loves you. That’s not true in a patriarchal society because misogyny ensures that there are more wonderful, giving, thoughtful heterosexual women than men who have done the work necessary to be good partners. People don’t always get the partners they deserve, and all you can do if you’re one of them is leave. I suspect that a lot of your sadness stems from this notion that, if you were good enough, your partner would have seen you, loved you, cared for you. He didn’t. He failed because he was not good enough. You, though, are amazing. You were able to leave a shitty man in a patriarchal society that tells women everything is their fault. You saw through the bullshit. You did it. So start focusing on that.
Now is your chance to shape the life you deserve, to become who you were meant to be. It’s great that you are in therapy. Trauma is real. It changes the brain. But you can change your brain with the right support. As part of your trauma healing, I recommend reading The Body Keeps the Score. Beth Berry’s work on Revillaging may help you build a meaningful support network—the village you’ve always deserved.
Look at therapy with a critical eye. Your therapist can be a wonderful and decent person, yet still not be the right fit for you. If you’re not making significant progress after a few months in therapy, it’s time to move on to someone else or a different method.
Finding a partner who will treat you better begins with treating yourself better. That begins with therapy. I also recommend clarifying your values in a relationship. You are allowed to ask for whatever you want. Consider what you want most out of a relationship. Talk about those things early, and reject anyone who rejects your needs. As women, we are conditioned to ignore our needs, to dismiss them as trivial or greedy. They’re not. You’re allowed to need things. Even things other people think are unreasonable. The right partner for you will honor and respect those needs.
I want you to consider what attracted you to your ex. Often, the things that most draw us to people end up being the very things that harm us. This is how we end up repeating harmful patterns. The person who loves adventure and uncertainty may repeatedly end up with a partner who can’t commit and can’t be appropriately cautious with their children. Consider whether some of the things you think you want in a partner are really in your own best interests.
Finally, focus on building a life you love. Join groups. Volunteer. Spend time in nature. Eat delicious, nourishing food. You get one life. And now, you get your whole life back, without an abusive partner dragging you down. Make the most of that one life.
You can do this. I believe in you.