Feminist Advice Friday: My partner constantly criticizes women’s bodies.

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A reader asks…

Hello, I write to you with tears down my face and need some help. My partner has always made comment on women’s weight. I once was 85kg, at work (where we met) and other colleagues asked if he would date me. He responded no, because I had let myself go. Fast forward 2 years and I had lost 12kgs and we started dating. He was honest from the first date about what he once said.

We have a 4 year old son now. The thing that constantly brings me to tears is the way he comments about women. We were just watching Car Pool Karaoke and his first comment was Mariah has a tummy and has put on weight. The week before we watched the Michael Schumacher documentary and he had to comment that his wife had gained a lot of weight since the wedding. He always comments on Serena Williams being too big. I tried to explain to him how insecure and upset this makes me but he doesn't seem to care. I just don't feel good enough, how do I get a thicker skin? I appreciate your time.

My answer…

What redeeming qualities does your partner have? You have not listed any. Usually, when people write me with complaints about bad partners, they add the disclaimer that their partner is otherwise wonderful, or they list some of their good qualities. You haven’t done that. I think that speaks volumes about what your life is like with this abusive, awful man.

There is no reason for him to comment on women’s weight. No excuse, no purpose. It’s fatphobia and misogyny, pure and simple. And based on the way he has communicated with you about your own weight, I think it’s more than just misogyny. It’s misogyny directed at you, designed to hurt and degrade you so that you lose weight.

This is not the behavior of someone who loves you. And it is certainly not the behavior your son should be witnessing. Children normalize what they see. Your child is learning that it is ok to abuse women based on their appearance. He is learning that it is ok for men to degrade their children’s mothers. He’s learning that people are only lovable and worthy at a certain weight—a message that will almost certainly affect his own self-esteem, especially if he’s not thin. It doesn’t matter if your partner does not make these comments in front of your child (even though I am absolutely certain he does). Fatphobia and misogyny have polluted the water your son swims in. Your partner has made a toxic polluted environment in which to raise this child. You have a responsibility to clean it up by getting out.

You mention your own weight several times in your message. This tells me that you have internalized your partner’s fatphobia, and that perhaps you believe it is reasonable for him not to love or admire you at a larger size. Indeed, you entered into a relationship with him knowing that was the case. Sizeism does a terrible number on self-esteem. It’s not your fault you have internalized those messages but I need you to hear this: Good men will love you at any and every size. And they certainly will not be so obsessed with women’s bodies that they can’t shut the fuck up about them when you’re watching TV. You do not have a good man. You have a deranged, body-obsessed man who has so little meaning in his life and so little space in his tiny misogynist brain that all he cares to talk about is women’s bodies. Jesus, what a boring and meaningless existence that must be for him.

But you…you do no have to have a similarly meaningless existence. You can get out.

You spent your entire post telling me how awful your partner is. And then you concluded it with something heartbreaking. You asked how you could get a thicker skin. You think this is your fault, something you deserve, because your abusive partner has gaslit you into believing so.

I hate this guy so much I am having trouble writing a coherent response.

You do not need a thicker skin. You need a less worthless partner. Get out now, or begin making a plan to leave. You are being abused. This is abuse, and no one deserves abuse, no matter what ignorant, size-based justification this piece of trash gives you.