Feminist Advice Friday: How can I be a better feminist ally?

You can join the discussion of this week’s post on Facebook or Instagram. And you can submit your own question to zawn.villines@gmail.com. We are all smarter when we draw on the wisdom of a community. So please share your own advice in the comments here or on Facebook or Instagram.

A reader asks…

Retired Army servicemember, Operation Iraqi Freedom Veteran

I consider myself a strong Black male feminist, but I also realize I need to be very mindful not to place myself in a position of 'mansplaining.'

I want to relay to fellow men of color how critical it is for us to advocate for feminism with full intersectionality. However, I must remind myself of that I am not beyond reproach. With that being stated, what advice/resources are available to help me continue my advocacy without backing myself into a corner by presenting myself as a 'mansplainer'?

My Answer:

I think it’s interesting that you open with your military service. As someone who grew up with servicemembers, I know one thing for certain: soldiers have to listen to a lot of bullshit from people who have no military experience. They have to field insensitive questions. They have to listen to trite “thank you for your service” proclamations from people who simultaneously refuse to do anything to actually help them. And they have to abide a whole lot of assumptions about who they are, what they think, what their experiences are.

I think this experience, coupled with your experience living as a Black man in an unbelievably racist nation, gives you the chance to deeply empathize with women, because we too experience people who think they know better than us, who think they know our experiences, who think we’re all the same. Draw on these experiences in your feminist activism and you’ll be a better activist.

I want to begin by acknowledging the way that feminism has historically been weaponized against Black men. This makes it difficult for many Black men to claim feminism; this is totally understandable, and it’s laudable that you’re moving beyond that. Even so, I want to affirm that you always have a right to push back when feminism is used in service of racism. You do not have an obligation to accept another person’s racism just because she experiences oppression, too. So with those caveats, here is my advice:

I hear a lot of cisgender men talk about fear of being called a mansplainer. What’s far less common is to hear them say they are afraid of being a mansplainer. This is a critical difference; the former fear prioritizes the man’s needs and emotions in feminist discourse; the latter puts the burden back where it belongs: on the man. The first step here is to recognize that the harm of mansplaining is real, immediate, and lasting. The harm of being called a mansplainer—even wrongfully so—is much smaller.

By focusing on avoiding the act of condescending to women, you will also reduce your odds of being called a mansplainer, so it’s a win all around.

Here are my recommendations:

1. Stay in your lane. One of the most helpful things Black women taught me about antiracism work is that I need to call in my own people—not theirs. When you have power in a situation, when you lack personal and lived experience with a type of oppression, it’s important not to speak over to people who have lived through that oppression. Don’t tell women they’re being sexist. Don’t lecture women about sexism. Talk to other men.

2. Assume that women are truthful experts on their own lives. They don’t need you to explain sexism to them or tell them how they might better or differently interpret a situation. Women are experts on life as women. Women have firsthand experience with sexism that you do not.

3. Be accountable. Accountability doesn’t feel great. This is the great irony of activism. When someone calls you out, you may want to tell them they misunderstood, defend yourself, explain your own suffering. This will almost always mean talking over someone who understands their own experience better than you. It means missing out on a learning opportunity. Don’t do it. Instead, listen until you get it. Thank the person for helping. If you’re still feeling defensive, talk to some trusted feminists in your life. Get their perspective, and make sure they're people who truly feel comfortable sharing their perspective with you. If you’re still not in agreement with the person who called you out, spend more time thinking until you can at least empathize with their perspective.

4. Notice sexism. Why is it that every woman knows someone who has been raped, that every woman has been sexually harassed, that every woman has had a hostile work environment, yet so few men have friends who engage in these activities, that so few men claim to have seen them themselves? It’s because men are trained not to notice sexism. Retrain yourself. Make it an intellectual challenge to witness sexism every day. Then—and this is the critical part that separates the allies from the bystanders—intervene when you can helpfully do so.

Because you are Black, this has a big asterisk next to it. The oppression of white women has historically been weaponized against Black men. You are not obligated to intervene in a way that harms you. But when and where you can amplify the voices of women, especially in contexts where people already respect you and where you are safe, please do so.

5. Address sexism with your friends. You can make the most difference with people who already love and respect you. Paradoxically, these are the people it is often the hardest to push back on. Do it anyway. Don’t let your friends get away with sexist bullshit. Make sexism unpleasant and uncool. Frame it as something pathetic little weaklings do. Call it out every single time.

6. Practice what you preach. Nothing you do matters if you go home every nigh to an exhausted partner, if you verbally abuse the women in your life, if you don’t fully participate in the lives of your children. Feminism begins in your own mind and your own life. Work to rid both of sexism.

7. Understand this is reality, not an intellectual exercise. Feminism isn’t just a philosophical concept that’s fun to debate. There are real human lives at stake here. Treat it as such. The goal here should be to improve society for everyone, not seek intellectual fulfillment from discussions about whether and the extent to which women are truly human.