The Tyranny of the Good Mother: How We Use Motherhood to Control All Women

When I was three years old, I decided I had had enough of life as a mere mortal. The bedtimes, the grueling chore load, the parents who just didn't understand the oppression of life at three...it was all too much.

I needed an upgrade, and that's why I became the Virgin Mary. I donned a veil, demanded to be addressed as Mary, and regaled my parents with tales of the birth of my son, our lord and savior.

It was the last time I was widely regarded as a good mother. Because once a woman becomes a real mother, everyone--even self-styled feminists--is eager to tell her the many ways she is failing.

Women don't even have to be mothers to be tyrannized by the myth of the good mother. The CDC recently advised all women of childbearing age to abstain from alcohol unless they take birth control, since all women are potential mothers. Don’t have a kid? Don’t worry. You’re still probably a shitty mom.

Everyone wants to be a good mother. Children deserve competent, loving parents. The problem is that what we demand of mothers is both conflicting and impossible. No one can live up to the myth of the good mother. And that's exactly the point. We urge women to be good mothers as a way of controlling them.

The Good Mother as a Tool for Controlling Women

Naomi Wolf's Beauty Myth argues that an unattainable standard of beauty--dangerously thin, white, perpetually youthful, large-breasted with a flat stomach--controls women and constrains their options. Low self-esteem and the quest for "beauty" sideline women, wreck their self-esteem, and subject them to public judgment.

The myth of the good mother does the same thing for women who can no longer devote themselves full-time to living up to the beauty myth. It creates an impossible, contradictory standard that endangers women’s health and distracts them from fighting back against oppression. Most mothers know the standard is impossible to live up to. Yet because we all want to be good mothers, and because being a bad mother might be the only thing a woman can be that's worse than being “ugly,” we chase the ideal. It's like chasing a high we'll never get, and to varying extents, most of us sacrifice self-esteem and sanity at the altar of the good mother.

We're told to work outside the home, but maximize our time with our children while keeping a perfect house and never demanding anything from our partners. That would make us selfish nags, and men hate that. We're expected to lose all the baby weight within six weeks, but without taking time away from our children or letting our homes go. Our children should be well-behaved, but free to explore the world. We must discipline them without raising our voices, without kowtowing to them, and definitely without ever inconveniencing others with a public tantrum.

We must be ceaselessly giving, but never complain. We should savor our pregnancies but never annoy others with excessive Facebook photos. Our kids should be cute, but not vain, smart but not smug, active but not overscheduled. They should eat organic, healthy foods, but we shouldn't make a big deal out of it, lest we be deemed sanctimommies. We should breastfeed, even if it cracks our nipples, ruins our sleep, and wrecks our marriage, but we must never do so for too long, in public, or in a way that makes anyone uncomfortable.

It is critically important to do this all, and so much more, while appearing conventionally attractive and feminine. Otherwise we're losers who have let ourselves go.

Think you’re safe from the tyranny of the good mother because you’re childfree by choice? Think again. You’ll change your mind. Strangers, of course, know better than you what you want out of your life and will happily assure you that you’re just too young or too dumb to know that what you really, really want is children. Oh, and by the way, why are you so selfish? Only narcissistic people want to not have kids. How will you find any purpose in your life? What man will marry you if you don’t want children? Children teach life’s best lessons. You want to learn those lessons, don’t you? Just what kind of person are you to not want kids? Better avoid drinking, partying, or doing anything remotely risky just in case.

Mothers as Public Property

No matter how you parent your child, you will fail, in some way, in the eyes of society. You’ll breastfeed too long, or not at all. You’ll (gasp!) treat motherhood as important by taking your kids to a meeting, or fail to show everyone how much you love your kids by showing up to every single function without ever undermining your career. Many people--often strangers, usually who don't have kids, frequently male--will be thrilled to tell you when you fail. Because once a woman becomes a mother, she is deemed public property. Strangers feel entitled to grab pregnant women's bellies, critique their parenting, discipline their children. Craving a coffee when you’re pregnant? Think again. Some dudebro will be happy to call you an abusive mother as you stand in line at Starbucks. Looking forward to a fun library outing with the kids? Better make sure those little shits stay quiet, lest someone call the police on you for failing to properly discipline them.

Men are nowhere to be found in this equation. In the myth of the good mother, it's nice if men show up, but not mandatory. Parenting falls to women. A child's failure is the mother's failure. A failed mother is an unworthy human being who deserves to feel bad about herself. I have no doubt that the many people who have critiqued my parenting would be thrilled to learn that their criticism stings.

That is, after all, precisely the point. It's easier to control women who feel overwhelmed and hurt.

Rejecting Judgment

If you want to support the mothers in your life, the single best thing you can do is reject any and all judgment. If you don't like someone's parenting, keep it to yourself, and remind yourself that you very likely don't know the whole story. Few mothers have ever responded to criticism with meaningful change, since most are already doing the best they can. So critiquing a mother serves only to hurt her. That hurts her child, society, and women as a class.

Keep it to yourself. You're not enlightening her. You're not being feminist or helpful or edgy or funny. There is no exception to this rule. Even if you're joking, even if you're close family, even if you think you know what you're talking about. Women are told they are parenting wrong every single day. So just as rejecting the beauty myth is a feminist act, so too is rejecting the idea that there is a single way to be a good mother. There isn't, and there never will be.