Feminist Advice Friday: How do I know if my expectations of my husband are too high?
A reader asks…
I have been working on my husband to take more responsibility for houshold labor and parenting for years. It started when we had our daughter, with little hints here and there. Then at some point I started reading you and other writers, and started more aggressively demanding change.
He has definitely made a lot of changes. But even though we both work outside the home and make about the same, our household labor balance is still far from 50/50. For holidays and stuff, it’s even worse. He doesn’t buy the kids presents, doesn’t buy presents for his family, barely remembers Mother’s Day. I’m honestly getting mad just writing about it.
Again, he’s really made a lot of changes though. He does our daughter’s hair. Things are continually moving in the right direction. They’re just moving So. Slow. At the rate we’re going, we won’t achieve anything close to equality before we’re both dead.
I’m tired. I’m tired of hounding him. I’m tired of being the one to take responsibility for making our relationship equitable. Shouldn’t he care about it, too? Shouldn’t he care about what he’s modeling to our daughter? But I grew up with a really patriarchal family and so did he. Our friends mostly have typical shitty marriages where the mom does everything and the dad golfs all the time. Our marriage is better than that.
I really love him. He’s smart and funny and lots of other good things.
And I just wonder: Am I asking too much? Is this the best we can do? I don’t want to be beating a drum for improvement forever. I don’t want to always be the one saying it’s not good enough.
Help me figure this out.
My answer:
I see two distinct issues here: The first is your belief that maybe, in asking for equality, you are actually asking for too much. The second is that your husband is capable of changing, as demonstrated by his behavior, but continues to refuse to pivot toward true justice in your relationship.
Just phrasing things that way is helpful for understanding the reality of your situation, I think.
But I want to start by reassuring you that you are not asking anything close to too much. The belief that you do not deserve equality is rooted in the notion that you are fundamentally less than your spouse—that your time, your needs, your work, and indeed your humanity matter less than your husband’s. That’s misogyny that has broken into your brain to hijack your thoughts.
Your needs are just as important as his. And when his needs include needing you to sacrifice more so he can get more than you do, his needs are not just less important, but offensive. If what he needs is to continue having leisure time you don’t get and continue forcing you to police him into more equality, then his needs spring from the idea that you’re just less important than he is.
That’s a pretty fucked up way to think about your spouse. But it’s exactly what he is doing.
Every time he hints that you’re asking too much, or relaxes when you are working, or pretends not to notice your child’s needs, he is sacrificing your well-being so he can get more than he deserves and more than his fair share.
Back to your question:
When are you asking too much?
You’re asking too much when one of too things is true:
When what you ask is so demanding that it makes it impossible for a person to have a meaningful, fulfilling life. If, for example, your husband worked 120 hours a week, you might be asking too much if you expected him to do an additional 20 of housework.
When what you ask depends on the other person giving more than they get, or is rooted in the idea that you are simply entitled to get more than they are.
Your husband, not you, is asking too much. He is the one treating it as an unspoken fact that of course you must do more than he does. Of course you must have less free time, less support, less space in your brain.
Reframe things to reflect reality.
Your husband is asking too much. I can’t say it enough.
So what now?
Armed with the understanding that what you want is both reasonable and the bare minimum, it’s time to revisit the household labor conversation with your husband. Give him one more shot. Tell him exactly what you need, and then ask him why he thinks he doesn’t have to give it. Ask him why he thinks he should get more leisure time than you.
Make him answer for his behavior, instead of allowing you to feel like there’s something wrong with you for wanting better. Don’t let him get away with gaslighting you either. Give him a final chance to get all the way to equality, and make clear that anything less is less than you deserve.
I wrote a while ago about setting meaningful boundaries with a spouse, and I think some of that might be relevant here, since it seems like you don’t want to leave but also want to be able to meaningfully enforce some norms. Readers, what say you?
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