Hello! You’ve reached the #notjustmen hotline! We’re here to help.

Thanks for reaching out to the #notjustmen hotline with your emergency! We are a sister project of the #notallmen hotline. If you need help from them, please hang up now and reach them here. We at the #notjustmen hotline have observed a new trend: Men understand that it is no longer socially acceptable to derail conversations about sexist abuse by claiming it’s not all men. So they’ve taken to reminding us that it’s not just men.

There was recently a fire at our hotline office, and we were weirdly inundated with calls from men telling us that, sure, there’s a fire, but there are also some people who feel slightly hot right now. We’ve also been dealing with a weird side project. Smokers keep calling to tell us that smoking isn’t the only thing that causes lung cancer, so we shouldn’t do anything about it. Our number is very similar to the #notjustsmokers hotline, so there’s been some confusion. Anyway, as a result of these distractions, we can’t take your call right now. We understand that reminding people of the novel idea that both men and women can be abusive is crucial to you. We value your input, so please continue to hold. In the meantime, please enjoy the following recording, which answers some of our most frequently asked questions.

Are you aware that it’s not just men who behave in abusive ways?

Yes, we are! When you spend your entire life being told that every thought you have is special and unique, it’s easy to think that something as mundane as “People other than men can be abusive” is a world-altering statement. It is not. We here at the #notjustmen hotline sympathize with your frustration at learning that your thoughts are not as unique as you hoped, and likely will not end feminism. We are here for you.

A brief thought exercise:

It’s not just smoking that causes lung cancer.

Eating an unhealthy diet filled with trans fats is far from the only way to have a heart attack.

Drinking lots of alcohol when pregnant is not the only thing that causes birth defects.

And yet, we have massive public health campaigns directed at all of these issues. That’s because if we can eliminate or reduce these risks, we can dramatically improve people’s lives.

The same is true of sexism. Sexism is not the only cause of abuse in relationships. Men are not the only abusers. But every available statistic suggests that men disproportionately contribute to abuse, child neglect, and similar issues. For example, 20% of men have abandoned all of their children, but less than 0.002% of women have. Most men do not pay all of the child support they owe—which, incidentally, is a tiny sum, with average monthly child support payments hovering around $400 (less than it costs to cover a month of childcare).

It’s not all men, and it’s not just men. But it is mostly men, and if we can get men to stop, we can significantly reduce the problem. You do want that, don’t you?

Why do you have to make this about gender? Don’t you know how alienating that is?

Because it is about gender. The people who disproportionately engage in most sorts of violence, as well as child neglect and abandonment, not participating equally in the household, and myriad other social ills are men.

We cannot solve a problem if we do not name it.

Men who care about this problem know this fact. And they don’t find it alienating.

The only people who find discussions of sexism alienating are sexists. Are you a sexist?

My ex-wife gets child support! That means marriage is bad for men. I’m very mad that you assert otherwise.

Child support is a small sum of money relative to the total amount it takes to support the child. It’s a basic parental obligation. You’re not being victimized. You’re being required to do far less than your ex is, and you don’t like it that someone is holding you accountable as a parent. If you think paying 5-40% of your child’s expenses makes you a victim, then how is your ex, who has to pay even more and continue to raise your kids, not also a victim?

Even if we accept your claim that having to pay for the child you made is some form of heinous abuse, this is evidence that divorce is bad for men. Not marriage. Maybe you should have been a better partner, and then you wouldn’t have these problems.

One time a woman didn’t like me, and that is the same thing as abusing me.

Women don’t have to like you. Be more likable. Disliking someone is not abuse. Nor is ignoring someone or refusing to have a relationship with them.

Women can be abusers, too! My ex cheated on me.

Cheating sucks, and is deeply hurtful. But too often, men use cheating as an excuse. “She cheated on me, so she deserves whatever I do to her.” There are many, many things that are far worse than cheating. Did you do any of those before she cheated?

It’s not about gender! Women just make bad choices.

This claim almost always comes from someone who has just gone on a long diatribe about all the ways women have victimized him. Bro, how is it that men’s bad choices and women’s bad choices are both their fault? If you’re going to blame women for their own victimization, apply your own standards to yourself.