How to Avoid Marrying a Lazy Partner Who Won’t Do Household Labor
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The best way to escape a relationship where the man foists all or most of the household labor onto the woman is to avoid getting into one in the first place. Once you’ve spent years of your life with someone, practical, emotional, and social considerations can make leaving nearly impossible. And even when you do leave, you will have already suffered incredible damage to your self-esteem. If you have kids, they will have already internalized a model of an unhealthy relationship, increasing the odds that they repeat that pattern in their own relationships. Your life will be happier and your breakup will be easier if you leave before things spiral. The fight for happy, equitable households begins with young women. It starts with your very first date. Here are five strategies to avoid an inequitable relationship.
Believe it When a Man Shows You Who He Is
Everyone has to grow and evolve in a relationship. It’s normal to make some adjustments, to have to negotiate about household chores, and to have ongoing discussions about what each of you expect from your relationship. What is not normal or healthy is for men to behave like feral animals whom women must train. The willingness to let your partner do work while you relax is a personality trait rooted in misogyny—not an accident. So if a man is entitled, lazy, and unwilling to help with household labor, believe that this is who he really is.
It’s not your job to fix him and make him better. Even in the rare case where a man truly does not know how to tend to a household and wants to do better, he’s not going to sit around and wait for you to teach him. He’s going to find a way to learn—perhaps by asking what he can do. If he hasn’t asked, if he hasn’t tried, it’s because he is comfortable with you doing the majority of the work.
Know That Things Get Worse, Not Better, When Kids Arrive
People tend to put their best face forward in the early stages of a relationship. This is why, if things are already unequal or there are other serious problems in the relationship, they will almost certainly get worse. Children add immense stress and a hefty workload. They also activate a lot of patriarchal reflexes. Do not assume that he will grow up, that he’ll change for the kids, or that you can “train” him to do better. The person he is now is the very best he’s ever going to be. Is that person likely to be a good and devoted father? A competent caregiver to a pregnant wife? Willing to sacrifice sleep and free time for years so that you can each have a happier life?
Watch for the Warning Signs of a Sexist Man
When you’re in the early throes of infatuation, it’s easy to overlook what seem like small flaws. Over time, though, these flaws tend to become more prominent. So it’s critical to learn to identify the warning signs that a man is sexist. Even if he claims to be a feminist, he is unlikely to be a decent husband if:
He lies to you, particularly about his relationships with other women.
He balks at talking about problems, or has made certain topics off limits.
He dismisses you as crazy when you are upset.
He blames your emotions on your hormones.
He makes disparaging comments about other women.
All of his exes were “crazy.”
He believes in inherent, immutable differences between men and women.
He has unreasonable expectations of women’s bodies. For example, he thinks pregnant women are “fat.”
He finds pregnancy or birth gross.
He is unable to nurture you when you need emotional support.
He only has one-sided sex, and does not care about your pleasure.
He has children with someone else, and has a bad relationship with those children.
He has children he does not see.
He talks about “men’s rights.”
Talk Openly and Frequently About Household Labor Equity
Establish Healthy Patterns Now
Now is the time to begin setting expectations for your relationship. If you can’t set boundaries now, it will be even harder when you share property and children. Conversely, healthy expectations now will help increase the odds of a healthy balance of labor down the road. Some good places to start include:
Talk about healthy ways to fight.
Communicate openly about your needs and expectations.
Make sure that compromise truly is compromise. If you give something up, he should, too.
Divide up household labor in a way that feels fair now.
Call him out if he relaxes while you do chores.
Talk about the future of the relationship. Any man who is afraid to talk about the future is unlikely to commit to a future of fairness and equity. He’s hoping you’ll just fall into the default. Don’t do it.