Feminist Advice Friday: My husband and I separated. I’m still parenting him.

A reader asks…

My husband and I had our first child seven years ago, and then number two arrived in 2018, right after I discovered Husband's infidelity. He claims it was only emotional, but the text messages alluded to something physical either having already happened, or was about to. Husband has worked either part-time or full-time since 2014, and I have taken care of everything at home. Cleaning, cooking, child care, paying bills, scheduling appointments, organizing visits with his family (my family all live a few hours away, and I haven't been home to see them in approx 6 years currently). I have 1 friend left in town, and we get to see each other every few months, where we go out for pedicures and lunch while the kids are in school. We decided to separate in early 2019, but because #1 had been diagnosed with special needs and #2 was still so little, we chose to remain living together for their benefit. We don't fight or argue very much, but Husband handles NOTHING of the household load, and very little childcare, even though the kids are 7 and 4 now.

I have stayed this long because with his work schedule, it would be almost impossible for him to see the kids or spend more than 1 day a week with them (he works Saturdays, so would only get to see them Sundays and after school on Tuesdays). We both grew up without fathers present in the home, although through different circumstances. I didn't want my kids to go through that too, so I've bit my tongue on the fact that his chores rarely get done, and if they do, they don't get completely done ( i.e., he takes out the trash from 4 of the 5 trash cans in the house, or puts the plates, cups, and silverware away, but not the pots and pans).

Is this the spousal abuse you are talking about? Did I bring this on myself by staying so he could have access to his kids? At the end of the day, I feel like I'm drowning trying to do all the things and be all the things, while he sits talking to his friends and playing video games. What do I do?

My answer…

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. You are in an abusive relationship.

Let’s review: You are with a man who cheated on you when you were pregnant with his child. Rather than showing remorse or trying to fix it, this man has escalated his pattern of household abuse such that you are now doing everything. And he has convinced you it is your responsibility to continue doing everything in perpetuity so that he is not inconvenienced by having to rearrange his schedule to spend time with his children.

I really hate this guy. What is he bringing to your life other than pain and suffering?

There are a lot of hidden assumptions in your letter. But ultimately, your problem boils down to one simple issue: You have made immense sacrifices for a man who is not willing to do anything for you or your children. You’re giving up your freedom and happiness and time so he can spend time with children he doesn’t seem particularly interested in. He spends his time playing video games instead of with his kids? And he does this even knowing that you’re staying with him so he can see these children?

What in the fuck is wrong with this stupid ass man? Friend, you’ve got a real lemon of a soon-to-be-ex-husband, and your kids lost the father lottery. I’m sorry that’s where you are, but getting you out of this mess begins with calling it what it is.

You need to leave him immediately if you want any chance at all of a good and happy life.

What’s really stopping you from doing that are those hidden assumptions I mentioned earlier.

First, the idea that divorce is always bad for kids is false. There’s a growing body of research suggesting that a bad marriage is worse for kids than a good divorce. It’s also not true that kids are always better off with a father in the home, especially when it’s this sort of father.

As you weigh the risks of a “fatherless” home, I want you also to consider the risks of keeping your husband in your home:

• You are modeling to your children that women are servants who owe men everything, and that men owe their partners and their children nothing.

• You are wearing yourself out. How is this affecting your health, your ability to enjoy parenting, your ability to carve out a life you enjoy? Your children deserve a happy healthy mother—and they need her especially in light of the fact that they have a lazy, entitled father.

• You are modeling to your children that their father’s wishes are more important than the needs of the rest of the family, thereby instructing them that patriarchy and men trump all else.

• You are almost certainly subjecting your kids to an increasingly tense environment. Trust me, they know what’s going on. Kids are a lot smarter than we want to give them credit for.

I get it. You want to do what’s right for them and you can’t imagine tearing their little worlds apart. You’ve made a heroic sacrifice, but the primary beneficiary of that sacrifice is not them; it’s your lazy-ass husband. You deserve better precisely because you’ve already given so much.

And if he can’t or won’t make time to see his kids without you facilitating it? Then cut your losses. He doesn’t care that much. And kids are absolutely not better off with a father who doesn’t care.

There is hope and happiness on the other side of this. You were born for more than just to toil away for an ungrateful man who brings nothing to your life.

Please consult a divorce lawyer today. Document everything. And then leave his sorry ass the first chance you get.

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