Feminist Advice Friday: My boyfriend is stealing the life I dreamed of having. What should I do?

A reader asks…

My boyfriend and I have a 1 year old. Currently I’m a stay at home mom and feel like I have to do everything. From budgeting to meal planning and grocery shopping. Shopping for toiletries, clothing. Planning holidays, getting presents for everyone for Christmas. I’ve been saying we should be a team but he doesn’t know what that means. I honestly feel resentful that this is my life. Also I always envisioned my partner and I building wealth together and traveling the world but it seems like he’s just waiting for me to build wealth. Also I’m responsible for extra money that we need. He has no idea what’s going on in our finances so doesn’t have the burden of stress. What should I do? Am I just super stressed as a stay at home mom?

My answer…

Most of the questions I get are like this. I posted this one not because of its uniqueness, but because it perfectly exemplifies the problem so many cis heterosexual women have with their male partners.

There’s another, sadder reason I posted this: Dear reader, sweet reader, if you’ve been reading this page, you know my position on household labor. You know that I think it’s abusive for men to foist all household stress and labor onto their partners. You know that’s happening here, and you know it’s not fair.

So I want to talk about why you feel like you have to ask if you’re “just a super-stressed stay-at-home mom.” I think there are one of two things going on here, and I’ll address them both.

The first possibility is that you think your situation is unique, that it might not be like that of other women. This is common, because women in these kinds of relationships spend most of their time with partners gaslighting them into believing their division of labor is somehow fair. When this happens, women begin to see their situations as personal, not political.

This is political. Your situation is no different from the millions of other women whose partners knowingly and intentionally let them do all of the work. If your partner was competent enough to get married and get a job, then he is competent enough to know that bills must be paid, that someone is paying them, that groceries must be purchased, that someone is purchasing them. He knows that someone is you. He sees you doing household labor when he is not. He is not entitled to abandon household needs solely because you are a stay-at-home-mom.

The fair and equitable formula when one parent stays home is this: His job is outside the home. Yours is inside the home. You both work a full-time work week. But when he is home, the child and the home is no longer just your job. You must split the labor. Otherwise, he’s working a 40ish hour week, and you’re working a 168 hour one, with no guaranteed time off.

You are indeed a stressed mom, but you are stressed not because of anything inherent to motherhood, but because of your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is doing this to you. It is a choice. He is choosing his leisure at the expense of your well-being. That is not the behavior of a loving partner.

So for God’s sake, do not marry this man and get further entangled with him.

The second possibility is that you already know your situation is horrible, and you are writing me for permission to change it, and advice about how to do so. I invite my readers who have actually left trash men like your boyfriend to weigh in. But here’s my advice:

It is a LOT easier to split from a boyfriend than a husband. You’ll be more likely to retain custody of your child, and he will still have to pay child support.

So meet with a family law attorney who can advise you about how things will shake out if you leave him. Then start making a plan to leave him.

If you think you might want to stay with him, then you can give him a clear ultimatum: tell him exactly what you expect from him, and tell him you will leave him if he doesn’t do it.

He won’t do it, because men like this are not invested in the well-being of their partners. So when he doesn’t do it, get out.

You are young and your child is young. There is time to build a better life. Do it. Run. You deserve better, and you deserve better now.