Feminist Advice Friday: “How can I protect myself if I become a stay-at-home parent?”
For several months, I’ve published a weekly advice column using the hashtag #feministadvicefriday on my Facebook page. But Facebook has developed a habit of deleting content by feminist creators because apparently telling men they’re not too selfish or incompetent to do housework is hate speech—indistinguishable from, and worse than, rape threats. So while I’ll continue publishing on my Facebook page, all columns going forward will also have a permanent location here on my blog. I encourage readers to share their thoughts on each question, because we are all smarter when we draw upon the collective wisdom of a community. Here we go…
A reader asks…
My husband has always made more money than me. Now that we have two kids and the cost of daycare is steadily rising, I’m considering becoming a stay-at-home parent. My husband says it would help him a lot, and honestly, I’m already overwhelmed by balancing work and housework. Might as well eliminate one problem, right? But I know that quitting my job makes me a lot more vulnerable. What can I do to protect myself?
My Answer
Before I address this question, we need to talk briefly about what staying at home really means. Incels and other misogynists frequently depict stay at home moms as lazy children. But the data is clear. Staying at home with your children is a net benefit to the working parent, not the parent who stays home. Men whose partners stay home gain more opportunities at work and higher earnings. But the partner who stays at home—almost always the woman—gives up significant power in the relationship, and in the wider world. It is a huge gamble to quit your job, especially if there is already an imbalance in household labor or an unappreciative spouse. So I encourage all women to proceed with immense caution. Even so, it is possible for this to be an equitable arrangement, but only with a lot of thought and negotiation. There are four things you need to consider before electing to stay home.
What is the current state of my relationship?
How is the division of labor right now? If it’s already awful, it is going to get exponentially worse if you agree to stay home. What about your marriage? Does your husband gaslight you? Minimize your household contributions? Call you hysterical or mock your attempts at achieving an equitable relationship? Staying at home with the kids can only work if all of the following conditions are met:
Your marriage is basically good, and you are both committed to the other’s happiness and well-being.
Your husband cares about equality and equity, and is aware of—or willing to learn about—how marriage can undermine women’s equality.
Your husband is willing to negotiate the terms of your staying home, and to take specific, measurable steps to ensure you don’t lose your mind, your independence, or your sense of self.
Your husband does not have a history of dismissing your concerns, gaslighting, or weaponizing misogyny against you.
There is no history of abuse—verbal or physical—in the marriage, and you have no reason to believe you will divorce.
What am I giving up over the long-term?
You need to be very clear about what you are giving up. So take a look at the state of your job/career, and how it might change over time. Some things to consider include:
Lost earning potential. Will leaving the workforce limit your ability to ascend the career ladder?
Loss of sense of self. How does your career affect your self-esteem and friendships? How will losing that affect you?
Permanent lost opportunities. Will leaving the workforce permanently limit your career opportunities? The longer you are gone, the harder it will be to return, and the chances of returning at the same pay rate, with the same opportunities for advancement, are virtually zero.
Leaving the workforce isn’t just a sacrifice in the here and now. It is a permanent sacrifice that will affect your life forever. Be honest about this sacrifice, and in your assessment of whether it is worth it.
What am I giving up right now?
The long-term sacrifices are often harder to see than the immediate sacrifices. But the immediate sacrifices matter, too. Consider how your life might immediately change, and the extent to which your spouse is willing to offset those changes:
You will have fewer social connections outside of the home.
You may lose a source of self-esteem and purpose.
You will not have your own money, and will become financially dependent on your spouse.
You may have less power in your marriage.
You may have less prestige and respect in your community.
You may feel isolated and alone.
What is my spouse willing to do to protect me?
What matters most, and the only factor that should really make or break your decision, is how much your partner is willing to do to protect you. This goes directly to the heart of the issue, which is whether your spouse appreciates your sacrifice and the extent to which he is willing to protect you for making it. You may face financial ruin if your spouse leaves, if he loses his job, or if you eventually have to re-enter the workforce but have been out for 5, 10, or 20 years. If your spouse becomes abusive—which is far more likely if you are a stay-at-home parent—or cheats, or squanders the family finances, or lies about money, or does anything else that makes you want to leave, you might have no way of hiring a divorce lawyer if all of the money is in a single pot. Moreover, you might not get alimony or sufficient child support to compensate you for your sacrifice should you end up divorced. What if your spouse dies? What if he becomes disabled? What if he becomes a total asshole?
So your spouse, if he really cares about you and is really committed to equity, must do something to offer you some protection. I think the simplest option is for him to put money into an account for you and you only each and every month. This should be a non-trivial sum—less than you’d spend on childcare, but more than mere spending money for coffee. The idea here is that, he’s getting something out of you that benefits him, so it’s unfair for him to take away your financial independence. By paying you for your hard work each month, he puts his money where his mouth is, shows you that what you do really does matter, and ensures you have some protection if things fall apart. If he is not willing to do this, he is not committed to equity, nor to your long-term well-being. Don’t give up your financial future for this man.
You also need to put your agreement for the conditions under which you will stay at home in writing. This prevents him from gaslighting you, or from later insisting that staying at home means you should work 168 hours a week while he works 40 or 50. Fairness requires that, except in extraordinary circumstances, when he is not at work you split the childcare. Childcare is your day job; outside of the house work is his. So when you’re not at your day jobs, you divide things equally. Your agreement should also ensure that each of you gets similar amounts of sleep and downtime. Don’t just talk about it. Put it in writing. Here again, if he is not willing to put it in writing, he is not willing to be held accountable. Some things to address in your agreement include:
What specific household chores do you each agree need to be done daily, weekly, monthly? This prevents him from using the “you just have higher standards” excuse.
Who is responsible for which chores? How do you divide up work when he is home from work?
What specific childcare activities are each of you going to do?
What will you do when you get sick? Who will take care of the kids?
How will you ensure that you get adequate sleep?
What will you do to ensure each of you gets downtime?
What will your husband do to minimize the career impacts of being a stay at home parent? For example, will he support you to attend professional training or conventions twice a year, so you can maintain professional contacts? Will he switch roles on the weekend so you can volunteer in your chosen field? Will he agree to pay a nanny one or two days a week so you can freelance? he must be willing to do something; if he’s not, then he’s not concerned about your long-term future.