Feminist Advice Friday: How can I confront my husband about household inequality without making him mad?

A reader writes…

The balance of power in our house is incredibly unequal. We both work full time, but I’m doing 70-80% of the household chores and childrearing, and virtually all of the invisible/emotional labor. I’ve had it. But when I’ve confronted my husband about this before, he’s gotten angry and we’ve ended up fighting. How can I talk to him about household chore inequity without making him angry?

My answer…

You can’t.

The anger is not an accident.

Nor is the inequity.

Men are not dumb. Many of them live by themselves for years before having children. They know that someone has to wash the dishes and feed the pets. They understand that their children are enrolled in school, and presumably know that this requires some work. They realize that children need food to survive, and that someone has to put them to bed.

Too often, we talk about household inequity as something that requires education. If only we just make the right to-do list and explain ourselves in the right way, everything will change! This is a pipedream, because household chore inequity is not an accident. It is a misogynist tool of oppression. It is a male privilege that your husband directly benefits from. And getting people to give up unearned privileges is always extremely difficult.

Your husband is getting angry because he has been caught, and wishes to turn the tables and distract.

Consider the reaction of a toddler asked to give up a toy. They throw a tantrum. And what happens if you give into the tantrum and give them what they want? Next time the tantrum is even worse. Your husband is like a toddler, as are many men in a patriarchal society which has taught them that the primary and most important emotion is anger. He is throwing tantrums because they work.

The evidence that he knows household inequity is a problem is that he gets angry when you ask him to change it. He knows he’s getting a good deal.

This is a form of abuse. Not only is he stealing hours from your life; he’s threatening you with anger if you ask him to stop. So stop trying to convince and educate him, and reframe this: How can I get my husband to stop throwing tantrums when I ask for more justice in our relationship?

There is no love without justice. Loving relationships must be just.

So until you get that justice, you have something categorically different—something warped and awful. And while I know that’s not a great thing to hear about your marriage, it’s important to be honest with yourself about what you are dealing with. The patriarchy has broken into your house, is stealing your life, and is now making you feel afraid of anger. The call is coming from inside the house.

You have a couple of options. If it is just anger, and nothing more, you can ignore it. Tell him what you need and expect, then expect him to do it. Do not do anything extra. Go on strike if you have to. He will either step up or he won’t, and that will guide your next steps.

But what if you know he’s going to truly explode? Then, my friend, you are in a dangerously abusive relationship and it’s time to start formulating a plan to get out.

Readers, do you have any advice for getting out? For staying and preserving your well-being? What’s been your experience with angry, explosive men?

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